There is no normal
with the drug problem:
Message from a Mom
who lost a child to addiction
This little exercise was pretty cathartic. I had to
weed through a lot of stuff in my head and came up with some
observations. The thing that stuck out most was the fact that there is no
normal with the drug problem. I went to a few meetings and heard some
unbelievable stories. My boy didn't
compare with most of them. Although
Chris had a few DUIs and lost his license for 2 years, he always had a job and
never missed any work time. Fortunately (or not) he had the means to
purchase what he wanted without having to resort to theft. I heard
stories of kids who were in jail several times for stealing to support their
habit. Kids living on the street because they didn't have the funds to
live anywhere. Kids who didn't have anywhere to turn for help or support.
I also talked to parents who tried everything to help their child, but nothing
worked and they had given up. I don't know what I would have done if I
were in that situation.
After writing pages and pages of notes and
recollections, I think I can answer your questions in a fairly brief manner.....with some
explanations.
To someone who is experiencing addiction:
Provide a combination of positive and negative
reinforcement. That person needs to be told that they are likely to end
up in jail or dead. It isn't useful to be positive although that should
be part of the conversation. You need to tell them how special they are
and how much they are loved, but too much sugar-coating doesn't really deliver
the message...they are heading down a dangerous path. Nagging doesn't
help. The bottom line is that the person has to take responsibility and
decide that enough is enough. No one can do that for them. I
struggled with Chris for a long time, but what finally made HIM decide that he
needed to walk a better path was the death of his grandmother. He was
supposed to go and see her on his birthday, but he got high with friends
instead. She died before he got a chance to see her and I don't think he
really got over that. It was what finally convinced him that he was going
to get serious. You can never, ever, give up. And
really pay attention to the friends and family that you do have that love you
unconditionally. Chris had some really amazing friends and I hope he knew
how special he was to them.
To the parents of someone experiencing addiction:
Be supportive as you can. Reinforce
the fact that you do love your child unconditionally. Make sure they know
that you love them, but don't love their behavior. Show that
you are concerned, but realize that they have to be the ones to decide to
change. No one can do it for them.
To the friends
of someone experiencing addiction:
Be there for them, but don't condone their behavior.
Listen to them when they need to talk. Engage them in activities to
keep them busy and out of trouble. I have been in touch with a lot
of Chris's friends and co-workers. One of the guys that Chris worked with
was absolutely devastated. He actually said to me....."I wish I
would have said something to him, but I didn't want him to be mad at
me." I still have not had the guts to ask the guy what he meant by
that. Did Chris tell him he was back on drugs? Did he tell him how
he was going to celebrate on the 4th ? I will get back to him
and ask him to elaborate, but I am not ready for the answer yet. I doubt
if anything said would have changed the outcome.
As a bonus......this was on Chris' Facebook page. I
have copied the entire post. I am sure that he didn't write it, but
copied it to pass along. I thought it was pretty powerful. We
should all wish for a little more kindness.....
August 31, 2014
For all my friends, whether close or casual,
just because. One of the longest posts I will ever do, and the most real too.
Everyone will go through some hard times at some point. Life isn't easy. Just
something to think about. Did you know the people that are the strongest are
usually the most sensitive? Did you know the people who exhibit the most
kindness are the
first to get mistreated? Did you know the ones who take care of others all the
time are usually the ones who need it the most? Did you know the three hardest
things to say are I love you, I'm sorry, and help me? Sometimes just because a
person looks happy, you have to look past their smile to see how much pain they
may be in. To all my friends who are going through some issues right now --
let's start an intention avalanche. We all need positive intentions right now.
If I don't see your name, I'll understand. May I ask my friends wherever you
might be, to kindly copy and paste this status for one hour to give a moment of
support to all of those who have family problems, health struggles, job issues,
worries of any kind and just need to know that someone cares. Do it for all of
us, for nobody is immune. I hope to see this on the walls of all my friends
just for moral support. I know some will!!! I did it for a friend and you can,
too. You have to copy and paste this one, NO SHARING... If need be, I can send
this status to you in a message for you to copy and paste to your status.
Note: LB’s adult son died of an
overdose on July 4, 2018 in New Hampshire. She is Greg Stefanski's wife's cousin who graciously agreed to share her family's story in the hope someone else might be helped.
